Harry Potter
Things not to do at Hogwarts
May no longer perform my now (in)famous ‘Barbie Girl Dance’ while brewing potions.
The school nurse is Madame Pomfrey, not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
Not allowed to quote 'Dr. Seuss' in magical theory classes.
'It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission' no longer applies to me.
I may not line my wizard's hat with tin foil in order to block out Slytherin Mind Control spells.
May not bring a drag queen to the formal dance.
Must not start any Occlumacy reports with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”
Must not use Hagrid's pets to ‘Squish’ things.
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
Must not refer to Professor Dumbledore as ‘Dad’.
...or Professor Snape...
When asked to give a few words in class ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo’ is probably not appropriate.
Gozer does not dwell in the castle, and I should not inform first years that he does.
I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a wand.
...or a broom.
I may not trade my wand for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
Must not use school equipment to bootleg pornography.
Burn pits left behind by deatheaters are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
Radioactive material should not be stored in the school.
I should not teach other students to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to cast potentially useful spells.
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.
‘Calvin-Ball’ is not an authorized alternative to Quidditch.
...nor is Krikket.
There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
I am not to refer to a cauldron as ‘the round hollow thingie’.
My teachers have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups.
My name is not a killing word.
-I will not call muggle men "Dirwood"
-Not every Ford Anglia can fly, and testing this is not advised
-I will not force merpeople to pull me on water skis.
- I will not lock Harry and Malfoy in a broom cupboard to see if hot gay sex occurs.
- I will not use the wingardium leviosa charm to give first years atomic wedgies
- I will not tell muggle born first years that the lake is a swimming pool.
- I will not scream "I'm melting, melting, oh what a world!" every time i spill something on my robes.
- Playing Ozzy Osbourne's "Bark at The Moon" whenever Professer Lupin enters a room is not condoned behavior.
- "Draco Malfoy takes it up the arse" is not an acceptable Quiddich chant.
I am not allowed to declare an official hug a slytherin day I am not allowed to start a rumor that snape is a dancing queen I am not allowed to start a foundation called the sirius black curtain awareness foundation.
-Making House underwear and then wearing them, does not count as a uniform
-Asking harry if he has such a small, not deep scar because his parent didn't love him, is not appropriate
-Also asking why it is a lightning bolt and how come it's red is not a good idea..... He doesn't remember
- "what's the point? voldemort is going to kill us all" is never the right answer to an ancient runes question, or any other subject for that matter
-i must not run up to Hermione and say, I love what you've done with your hair!
101) Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
102) Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.
103) Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
104) I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.
105) I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
106) I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
107) I will not call the Defense Against Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
108) I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
109) I am not a sloth Animagus.
120) I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.
121) I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
122) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is purely coincidental.
123) There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
124) Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".
125) I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
126) I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
127) I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
128) I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
129) I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End".
130) If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.
131) I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
132) Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
133) "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
134) The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."
135) It is exceptionally tasteless to serenade Professor Lupin with "Moon River".
136) I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".
137) I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".
138) I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
139) The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
140) Sirius Black is not #24601.
141) I am not being repressed.
142) Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
143) I am not a Pinball Wizard.
144) Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "Ni".
145) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions.
146) I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
147) "Potter 6, Voldemort 0", is not a valid T-shirt slogan
148) Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Deatheaters.
149) I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."
150) Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.
151) First years are not toys; I should not teach the Giant Squid to fetch them.
152) Yelling "to infinity, and BEYOND!" is only funny the first time you ride a broom.
153) I will not call my wand "an elegant weapon for a more civilized world".
154) I will not add "according to the prophecy" at the end of all my sentences to raise my Divination grade.
155) I will not tell Wormtail that his silver hand looks "groovy", nor will I encourage him to replace it with a Muggle chainsaw.
156) The Slytherin house badge has nothing to do with the Auryn.
157) I am not one of the 110 types of Rhinovirus Animagus; and even if I were, it would be cheating to win a Wizard's Duel by transforming.
158) If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
159) "Dr Mordrid" is not an educational film.
160) I will not attempt to repel Dementors by coating myself in chocolate body paint.
161) I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new Profs. are introduced.
162) Chocolate frogs do not come in "crunchy".
163) I will not set up a blind date between Dumbledore and that Nimue chick.
164) I will not tell any Weasley that porn is "hilarious", nor will I insist that it is "crucial".
165) No matter how badly she botches that potion, I shall not refer to Hermione as "Pussy Galore".
166) I will promise to stop intoning, "Believe it... or not!" after Dumbledore's speeches.
167) The Necronomicon Ex Mortuus is not the wizardly version of the Kama Sutra.
168) No spitting in the Pensieve.
169) G. G. Allen is not the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
170) No one is bogarting my mandrake, dude.
171) I will stop pestering Prof. Flitwick about ioun stones, Prismatic Spray, and any type of fireballs.
172) No, that is NOT the main ingredient in Pixie Stix, and I am not to imply that it is so.
173) R'lyeh is not located under the Lake.
174) Bringing fortune cookies to Diviniation class does not count for extra credit.
175) "Blast-ended skrewt" is not synonymous with crayfish/crawdad/mudbug/freshwater lobster, and I am not to suggest so to the House Elves when they have gumbo on the menu.
176) That glowing green potion I mixed up does not re-animate the dead.
177) I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.
178) "Dead Man's Party" is a kickass song but probably not appropriate for a Deathday celebration. Ditto "No One Lives Forever".
179) Hermione, Luna and Ginny are not my Angels.
180) Sufficiently advanced technology is NOT indistinguishable from magic.
181) I will not address Hagrid as "Groundskeeper Willie".
182) I will not ask Firenze if he can get me Mr. Ed's autograph.
183) Further, I will keep all "hung like a horse" jokes to myself in Divination class.
184) I will not detonate Squibs.
185) Puzzleboxes are to be solved on my own time.
186) I will stop asking if Draco is related to Andy Warhol.
187) I will not teach the veela the lyrics to "Whoops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.
188) Making rumors about Harry and Draco's secret love life is not funny and it will stop soon.
189) I must not make fun of Profesor Lupin's 'time of the month'.
190) I must not set up an underground dueling arena.
191) I must not ask for advice from Peeves on how to wreak havoc.
192) I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffinndor tower is "Petrificus Totalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.
193) I must not pay first years a galleon to pee in Mad-Eye Moody's hip flask.
194) I must not use the Invisibility Cloak to sneak into the girl's dorm.
195) I must not ask Professor Trewlawny where she laid her eggs.
196) I must not put a paper sign on Firenze's back saying "Pony Rides: 3 Sickles".
197) I must not send Dolores Umbridge coupons for free rides on Firenze's back.
198) I must not ask Harry Potter who died and made him the boss.
199) I must not point to Harry Potter's scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling.
200) I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.
201) I will not tell the first years to build a tree house over the Whomping Willow.
202) I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who will come out alive.
203) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.
204) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the voice of God.
205) Putting a snitch in Malfoy's pants really isn't all that funny. Even if it does make him scream like a girl.
206) I am not to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he'd forget his head if it wasn't attached.
207) I should not confess to crimes that happened before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.
208) I Will not jump up, Yelling "VOLDERMORT, RUN!" in the middle of na Order or DA meeting.
209) I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "Happy place."
210) Asking Ron and Hermione "When's the wedding?" is only funny a few times.
211) Running down the halls, screaming, "VOLDEMORT IS COMING!" is only funny the first three times.
212) Telling Voldermort he has incompetent deatheaters can get you killed by the deatheaters.
213) Hobbits are not magical beings in the wizarding world.
214) Crashing a Ford Anglia into the Whomping Willow is not the best entrance to make. Crashing it into Snape's office is.
215) I will not feed my pet owl Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans.
216) I will not spike my best friend's pumpkin juice and tell him to go hit on McGonagall. Or Snape.
217) I will not wear a turban around my head and tell Harry Potter that the Dark Lord has returned.
218) I will not invite the bloody baron to the Yule Ball.
219) I will not look at veela. I will not look at veela. I will not look at veela.
220) I will not pull on Dumbledore’s beard just to see if it’s real.
221) I will not bash the suits of armor over the head and have sword fights in the hall.
222) I will not ask Hagrid to explain exactly HOW he was conceived.
223) I will not ask the Hufflepuffs to explain their emblem, or their name.
224) I will not use my cauldron to cook vegetable soup, especially during potions lessons.
225) I will not address Professor Flitwick as "sly old dog".
226) I will not start a Gilderoy Lockhart fan club during potions lessons.
227) I will not teach the front doors to recognize Filch and not let him in.
228) I will not set Fluffy on Mrs. Norris.
229) I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school
230) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballs.
231) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
232) 42 is not the answer to every question on the OWLs.
233) I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlords List to suspected Death Eaters.
234) I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
235) I will not bring a nibbler as a pet.
236) I will not tell the firsties on the Hogwarts Express that they have free choice of house if they swim over the lake.
237) I will not ask Snape where he got his vampire costume every potions lesson. Nor will I remind him it’s not Halloween.
238) I will not push Flitwick from his stack of books claiming I need them for my studies.
239) I will not fumble with gravity during any Quidditch training sessions.
240) Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the triforce in not hidden in Hogwarts.
241) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.
242) I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
243) It is not necessary for me to yell "BAM!" every time I apparate.
244) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
245) When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June Battle of Good vs. Evil I well not life my wand skywards and shout "There can be only ONE."
246) I well not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
247) My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
248) I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
249) I well not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I've got the power!"
250) When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce, "These are not the droids you are looking for."
251) I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
252) I will not tell the first years (however small and dumb they may be) that inferi are nothing more that the angels from heaven coming down to check on them.
253) I will not tell Harry he is fictional and that everything he has worked for is nothing more than a best selling novel.
254) I will not call Ron Weasly 'Ronald the Red-eared Retard' when ever his ears turn red.
255) I will not give Peeves ideas on how to prank first years... unless the first year in question is incredibly annoying and deserves it.
256) I will not show the first years to Fluffy. Fluffy is NOT their fiend.
257) I will not show the first years to Gramp. He is not their friend either.
258) However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him how much we all love him, even through these difficult times.
259) I will not trade Harry and Hermione's tea cups in Divination and ask Professor Trelawny to help me read it.
260) I will not point out to the house elfs how much sushi could be made of the giant squid.
261) I am not to dress Professor Flitwick in a diaper, no matter how small he really is.
262) I am not to dress like Neville's grandmother when going to the Halloween Party in Snape's class.
263) I am not to hide Earwax flavored Bertie Bott's inside of Lemon Drops and give them to Professor Dumbledore.
264) I am not to take Professor Dumbledore's Lemon Drops no matter how hungry I am.
265) I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.
266) I will not go to Divination and tell Professor Trewlaney that I see her death in my teacup.
267) I will not tell the house elves that they are to prepare a feast for my birthday party.
268) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff/Slytherin Quidditch matches.
269) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor.
270) I will not dress up in a Dementor's suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to make him do what I want.
271) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
272) I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance when I enter a classroom.
273) I will not steal Griffyndor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallway.
274) I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
275) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
276) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.
277) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
278) Dumbledore does not have "nakie time".
279) It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."
280) I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
281) No matter how many you eat, you can not get high on Fizzing Whizbees.
282) Puffskeins are not Quaffles.
I will not start humming christmas songs everytime I meet Dumbledore in the corridors.
I will not under any circumstances allow Peeves to know the password into Dumbledore's office and offer him points for each object he destroys.
I will not invite Hermione to a Death Eater meeting.
I will not invite a Death Eater to a DA meeting.
I am not allowed to taunt Professor McGonagall with Catnip
I will not ask Snape for cocktail recipes using amortentia
I am not allowed to walk into the Great Hall and shout, Who wants to have an End of the World Sex Party!
I will not forge Dobby's signature on a letter to Ralph Nader.
The Forbidden Forest is forbidden because it contains werewolves and massive spiders, not because there is a secret cave with the answer to every test, and I should refrain from telling the first years that there is.
Hogwarts is not in the flightpath of any Muggle airport, and Muggle airplanes cannot crash into Hogwarts anyway. That being the case, there is no need to have first years standing on the spires of Hogwarts Castle waving torches screaming "Go away, go away!!"
I must not teach the house elves the "Underpants Gnomes Song" from South Park.
As mediocre an announcer Luna Lovegood is, she is just learning. John Madden and Al Michaels know nothing about Quiddich or our world and as such, I should not offer them a five year contract.
Yes, the same is true of John Motson.
Leaving dog biscuits on Professor Lupin's desk is HIGHLY disrespectful.
Professor Snape's hair is greasy due to the fumes involved in teaching potions. This being the case I am not authorized to involve BP in negotiating the drilling rights to his head.
I will not tell first years that if they give Snape beauty tips, he will give them house points.
I will not ask Dumbledore how old he REALLY is.
I am not allowed to put permanent blue dye in the Prefect's Bathroom tub and make fun of them as they come out looking like Smurfs.
This goes for the teacher's bathrooms too.
I am not allowed to beat up random students and then run around yelling, "The Dark Lord Strikes Again!"
I will not sing "If You're Happy and You Know It" while in Potions class.
Or Transfigurations.
I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing.
I will not convince first-years that you really are allowed to have a dragon for a pet.
I will not convince the firstyears that "Deatheaters" is the name for a cookery club specialized in experimental dishes
- Telling Hagrid he has a Giant heart isn't really a compliment.
- Also saying that Grawp is a huge problem is tasteless.
- Telling Hagrid that based on proportions he must have gotten his mother's heart and his father's brain is just cruel.
- I will not wait until dinner in the great hall to suddenly look up and scream "The Sky is Falling!"...again.
- I will not make freshly finished first-year essays zoom around the common room.
- Nor will I make any homework fly away from it's owner...or into the fire.
- I will not tell Professor McGonagall that I transfingured my homework into a dog that then ran away.
- Nor will I tell her that it ate itself.
- I will resist the urge to sing "Puff the Magic Dragon" around Charlie Weasley.
- I will not tell Mr. Weasley that "all the muggles are doing it" to see if he will too.
- I must not invite guys up to the girls dorm room just so that I can play on the slide.
- I will not give a first year my "Monster book of Monsters" and warn them to look out for the killer papercuts.
- I will not call Sirius Black Harry's bitch.
- I will resist telling Minerva McGonagall, Severus Snape, Peter Pettigrew, Morag MacDougal, Cho Chang, Pansy Parkinson, Padma Patil, Parvati Patil, Colin Creevey and Luna Lovegood that their parent's are obsessed with alliterations.
- As an amendment to the above I will also not make longer (better) alliterations myself...such as Slimey Slytherin Severus Snape...etc.
- I must not call the Giant Squid spineless.
- I will not apparate naked during astronomy class and say to the sky "very funny Scotty now beam down my clothing!"
- I will not transfigure any Weasley into a weasel under any circumstances.
- I will not use my wand to conduct an orchestra.
- I will resist the urge to tell the Malfoys that their hair suits them.
- I will not point out that if magic is supposed to make our lives easier then why in heaven's name are we using QUILLS AND INK BOTTLES!
- I must never tell Voldemort that "I would kill for a little peace and quite".
- I must also never call Voldemort "tommy boy".
- I will never enchant professor Flitwick to fly across the room "to show him how much I have learned".
- I am not allowed to sell "phoenix down" potions to the first years.
- I am not permitted to sell tickets to "see" the amazing Thestrils.
- I must not tell the first years that I am all powerful and will even more the stairs if they displease me.
- I will not ride into the Great hall on Halloween as the headless horseman and snatch all the floating pumpkins I can.
- I will also not ask the headless hunt to join me.
- I will not hide in the suits of armor and demand shrubberies.
- I will never tell Peeves to "liven up" History of Magic classes.
- Telling Voldemort that "maybe Harry ISN'T the problem" is not wise.
- Never ask a Deatheater what it tastes like.
- Remember not to mix your ancient rune and arthimancy notes up.
- Always feel free to prophecies death because it is a sure eventuality.
- I will not tell professor Trelawney when she asks what I can tell from my tea cup "That I need a refill".
- I must never use a slingshot against the post owls.
- I will also not paint the outline of each owl I hit on the side of the table.
- Pretending to have rabies in Care of Magical Creatures in generally frowned upon.
- I will not sing "follow the yellow brick road" and skip down the hall with the Gryffindor mascot, Hagrid's scarecrow, a suit of armor, and Sirius.
-i will not go to a deatheater meeting dressed as Harry Potter - i will not go to a DA meeting dressed as Voldemort -i will not run around in Snape's robe acting like a vampire
- I must never tell Creature to "get stuffed".
- I will never set a niffler on Professor Trelawney.
- Or in her classroom.
- I will not point out that if Malfoy is "pure blood" wouldn't that make him spineless?
- Telling the first years that to become a prefect the only need to defeat a current prefect with magic is very irresponsible.
- I will also not tell them that not only are sneak attacks "okay" they are encouraged in order "to prepare us for careers in the "wizard world"!".
- I will never give first years anything from Fred and George "in order to cause a distraction".
- I should not give Fluffy a chew toy shaped like Snape.
- I will not enchant muggle gazebos to eat people.
- I will not threated Malfoy by pointing my wand at him and telling Crabbe and Goyle that they will soon be able to see the Thestriels.
- I will not invite the Dursleys to "open house".
- I will then not remind them that at school I can do magic! (even though their reactions would be priceless)
- I will not fly on a mop just to be different.
- I will not tell Dumbledore that he's playing favorites with Harry because he feels guilty about the death of Harry's parents
- Nor will I tell him that he must still be jealous that Harry's scar out-cools his map-of-the-London-underground one
- Abandoned classrooms do not a secret lair make - a snogging couple WILL eventually stumble upon your stockpiled weapons and pranks, and then where will you hide?
- I will not loan the Maurauder's Map out to crazy-stalker-types, no matter how much they offer me
- I will not call Ron and Hermione "Mulderand Scully," no matter how much they remind me of them
- A wizard's duel involves casting spells, not sword-fighting with your wand
- The Bloody Baron does not appreciate the nickname "The Bloody Nuisance"
- Puffskeins are not to be called Tribbles or Furbies, even if the non-muggles will have no idea what you're talking about
- Telling Sirius Black that you have a blind date for him and then introducing him to Fluffy is NOT a good idea
- Same goes for Lupin
- I will not, I repeat, will NOT give Hermione a toothbrush that shouts "Brush up, beaver teeth!" every morning. I am not suicidal, after all
- I will not use Polyjuice potion to turn into Malfoy and then kiss every guy I know.
- I will not sneak Devil's snare into Snape's supply closet.
- I will not hang portraits of women above the urinals in the boy's bathrooms.
- I will not suggest that since Moaning Myrtle seems to like water soo much that she date the giant squid.
- Nor will I tell her that the reason I don't talk to her more often is because I just want to "live while I'm alive".
- I will not make jokes about anyone's dad being the milkman around the Creevey brothers.
- I must not encourage Colin Creevey to take a picture of the Thestrils.
- I will not wish that the Slytherins will all learn how to disapperate but not quite figure out how to apperate again.
- I will not replace Professor Umbridge's flue powder with pixie sticks' powder.
- I will also not switch her normal writing quill with the "special quill" she uses with detentions.
- I will not teach Pigwidgeon to catch small balls and then introduce him to a bouncy ball.
- I will never light a cigaret off of Fawkes on a burning day.
- I will not steal feathers off of Buckbeak in order to make my own quills...as I am quite fond of my limbs.
- And under no circumstances am I to sing "tip toe through the tullips" while in Firenze divination class.
I must not turn the girls' staircase into a water slide
Daubing message in chicken blood outside Filch's office is cruel, no matter how much you hate him
Claiming you are the Messiah and that this is the second coming is not the way to become more popular than Haary
Claiming sexual harrassment charges against Moaning Murtle should not be attempted, stupid, she's dead, so where's the money coming from
Using Dobby to announce your arrival is not the way to enter each class
Telling the first years to call Snape 'Master' is only funny to some people.
Singing 'Bark At The Moon' anywhere near Lupin is extremely tacky.
I must not spread rumours that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's bitch."
The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.
I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father.
Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents.
"Witches Gone Wild!" is not appropriate material to have at a school.
Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny. Do you really want to die that much?
I am not allowed to hire Aragog's children to spell out "Some Pig" in spiderweb over anyone's bed.
Not even Pansy Parkinson's.
I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.
I will not charm Professor Trelawny's tarot deck so that the first five cards are always The Devil, The Tower, The Hanged Man, Judgement and Death.
I will not try to pass Monopoly money as Muggle currency.
I will not teach curious first years how to juggle and surprise them by using two Bludgers and a Snitch.
I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
I will not pretend to be hearing strange voices when I don't hear anything.
Defeating Voldemort would only win me Petigrew's trust until the next bad guy comes; therefore, it is best to let Harry off Voldy.
I must not call voldemort, voldemort.
Or Voldy, Voldy-kins, Butter-Buttons, or Aunt Petunia.
Giving Draco mercury, telling him that it is unicorn's blood and its ingestion is his only defense against the Avada-Kedavra curse will not win me props.
Nor should I market mercury as such to the general public.
I must not ask Voldemort why he prefers snakes over kittens.
I will not ask Hagrid why he prefers fanged horrors over kittens.
I cannot ask the kittens why, either.
I do not have a secret chamber within the school; I do not have a fanged horror in the aforementioned chamber; the aforementioned fanged horror is not a serpentine kitten. And no! I don't hear the voice in the wall.
Striking myself with a bolt of lightning will not give me a lightning bolt scar, and I must remember that I should not try the avada-kedavra curse as it may have unwanted side effects.
I must remember that I do not have the authority to send Voldy-Kins and Harry to group therapy however much it might help.
I must remember that if they're hiding behind a curtain, they aren't a real wizard.
Likewise, if they are hiding in a closet, its only Draco.
Putting on my invisisbility cloak, sneaking up behind Harry, and whispering "Rip…tear…kill…" is NOT funny.
I must not erase the names on Ron and Hermione's transfiguration papers and switch them.
I must not introduce Professor Sprout to Chia Pets.
or Jack and the Beanstalk.
- Running up to Madame Pince in the Great Hall and telling her the library is on fire is only funny the first time.
- I will not send Draco love notes.
- I will not send "secret admirer"notes to Harry form Draco and vice versa.
